Renewal (4)

Let’s rewind the clock 10yrs. I was still basking in the glow of being a Second Lieutenant and in Field Artillery school at Fort Sill, OK. I was still married at the time and Carrie was with me while I was at school…it was a long military training school, just about 6mo.  A fairly regular occurrence in the military is time off.  Extended weekends for whatever federal holiday may be present. President’s Day 2003, Carrie had found a tremendous deal on an exclusive resort hotel in San Antonio. The deal was for military service members. Instead of $400-$500 a night, we were staying for $75.  INcredible. We went and the weather was great, San Antonio was amazing and I walked away with this really great vibe. In my bittersweet way I was like, “I would really like to be stationed here…” Fort Sam Houston is in San Antonio BUT this is a place for the medical community and unfortunately Field Artillery just does not reside there. So I moved on with life. Ended up at Fort Bragg and a stint in Afghanistan and then, over the next several years, any time I would hear anything about San Antonio, or Fort Sam Houston I would think about that weekend in Feb 2003, and then kind of sigh, and move on with life. Pipe Dream indeed.  So we fast forward back to 2013 and the year that I changed my life so dramatically. To Shift my consciousness into a direction that I never would have thought remotely possible and all of the sudden I have the brigade commander asking me if I wanted a second command IN San Antonio…..? Let me emphasize that I really became a proponent of the Law of Attraction for the past year but in that time there was no thought or intention given to using the LoA to bring me to San Antonio…didn’t give it a moment’s thought…until he brought it up. HOW?  A Miracle? Or was it something that I “put out there” years ago but never actually let it go and it was always there in the background…the pipe dream that became a reality.

Renewal (3)

Something big came down the pipe in late April 2013 from our higher headquarters. A tasking to provide a name for the Commanding General’s Aide-de-Camp.  This type of tasking would normally be sent down to all the battalions, they would all provide a candidate, and the brigade commander would decide who he would select. I decided I wanted to bypass all that.  I WANTED IT. I read through the job description and I was like, Yes, and Yes, and oh Yes absolutely.  This job is MINE. No doubt. The brigade commander was on board and so I became the nominee for the general’s aide for our brigade. A month and a half later I had everyone in my unit convinced that I was going to be selected.  No doubt whatsoever. By mid-June I had a new boss, a new brigade operations officer or S3 (a major). Coincidentally, I happened to know him pretty well.  He was my battalion executive officer (XO) when I was a battery commander. Kind of a spazz when things seem a little overwhelming, which is what happened to him when he took the job. There was basically no transition time between my outgoing and incoming bosses, but he had me…or did he? As I had the entire brigade convinced that I was going to be the next aide, him included, how can I assist him in the craziness of our current state of brigade operations? The biggest being the preparation/execution of the brigade’s biggest yearly event, Holiday Block Leave. This event is where we send up to 5,000 basic training Soldiers home for the holidays.  Kind of crazy and not something I was in agreement with but hey what can you do except execute.  Holiday Block Leave was mainly my baby and under my purview and with me leaving there was no subject matter expert to take my place (yet). The world was kind of falling in on him, it didn’t take an empath to see that. So here’s something that came to me: A deal with the Universe. I proclaimed that I would be absolutely fine if I didn’t get the general’s aide job, and then I would be there for MAJ Harrison and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Let Go. Surrender. About another week went by and I had my interview finally with Major General MacDonald. It went GREAT. We really hit it off, and the small world of it all was he at one time, commanded the same battalion I served in at Fort Bragg, 3/321. I was feeling really good about the interview but never lost perspective on the deal I had made. There was still one more interviewee to go and after another week, the general’s current aide called me……I knew it as soon as I heard his voice.  Didn’t get it.  I felt such a tremendous release/relief and thanked him. Now I could get back to WORK. So as it goes, my brigade commander was waiting for the decision to be announced before I had my senior rater counseling with him for my evaluation report. In that counseling session I was a bit taken aback when I was reading his comments…#1 captain out of 37 captains that he senior rated…?  What the…??? Then I’ll never forget this. He leans back in his chair, hands behind his head and whimsically says, “So what do you think about San Antonio?”  Say whaaaaaaaaaaat??? “Ben, how would you like a second command…in San Antonio?” Yes, sir.  YES, SIR, ABSOLUTELY.

ReNewal (2)

Things really started to shift in perspective for me. I thought about the Operations Orders I would write that would affect up to 5,000 Soldiers in basic training, plus all of the cadre / Drill Sergeants instructing them. How hard would it be to write an order for My Life and expect me to execute it? Not hard at all the Voice informed me. Not hard at all. Within five months I had lost 50lbs, ran my first marathon in seven years, became the most positive individual my brigade has ever seen, and became the brigade commanders #1 captain out of 37 captains he senior rated (although I had no idea at the time). AND. Made the discovery of Synchronicity. An idea/concept that I never realized how powerful it was until I changed the Universe around me.

But back around mid-February 2013 I started to expand my Law of Attraction horizons by going to The Secret’s website.  It was there that I discovered their “tools” and one of those tools was a little slideshow set to music displaying The Optimist Creed by Christian D. Larson. Blew. My. Mind. I was like, “Yes. Yes yes yes yes. This is something I need to make a part of my EVERY DAY living.” And it became my mantra, morning, noon, and night.  The New Me. In May 2013, I had three strange encounters from three completely different individuals within a week. Each one of these folks I had not seen in varying time periods.  I had not seen my massage therapist in a month and a half. I had not seen my boss’ wife in three months, and had not seen one of my former Drill Sergeant’s wife in about a year. It started with my massage therapist. I’m on the table and she says, “Wow that’s strange. How tall are you?”, and I tell her, six-two, and she is like, “You seem to be…longer…” I’m thinking, “Longer? That’s an interesting choice of words!” My next encounter was bumping into one of my former Drill Sergeants and his wife at the mall. His wife was like, “Did you lose weight? You look a lot longer…”  We spoke for a few minutes longer and then continued on, but left me with that strange feeling of being longer. The last engagement was with my boss’ wife while at work. She came in to bring him lunch and enjoy lunch with him. I hadn’t seen her since I first met her three months earlier.  I threw out a, “Hey, ma’am, long time no see…” and she threw me a, “Well you’re looking longer…….”  And I’m like, in my mind, “W T F is up?”  How is it that three complete strangers to each other come up with the same descriptive word for me?  I think the closest I came to figuring this out was that my vibrational frequency had changed so much that it (subliminally) produced that elongated “thought” into their minds.  I don’t know though.  Those were the only ones and only during that very small window of time that it happened. Strange!

ReNewal (1)

It has been almost six years since I have begun to live my life more experientially. Living with purpose. Living to live more. What a fantastic journey it has been. Every moment leading to the next until I am always Here in this Moment. I felt guided for a change of venue in my life and to look at the past as I push onward into the future. I’d like to talk about synchronicity and peeling back the layers of Self to a truer identity that dwells beneath it all. That which is behind all of us; that Higher Self, our Soul, whatever label you want to put onto that energy. It’s there guiding us if we are willing to listen with an open heart.

In 2011, I came back from a three-year tour in Germany (minus one in Iraq during that time), but it wasn’t just me coming back. I had an inconvenient friend as well. A titanium plate and eight screws in my left, not so funny, humerus. Being on a limited duty status for a while will tend to let yourself “go”. Physically/mentally whatnot. I did make a discovery though while back home…Netflix, and on there I found, The Secret; which as everyone knows is the Law of Attraction. Really put my life into perspective! I was looking at my life in a new light now and for the better part of a year, every night, I would fall asleep to The Secret, and if I woke up in the middle of the night I would put it back on. I can recall the point virtually where I would fall asleep shortly thereafter when Mike Dooley would say, “Thoughts…become…things…”, as he would enunciate this by using his fingers to drive the point home. Towards the end of 2012 I really thought I had a handle on the Law of Attraction and what it meant to me. I had no clue. I was in command at the time (battery commander for basic training at Fort Sill) and was selected to interview for a second command. I was All In for that. Instead I had no idea that the brigade commander secretly had another plan for me. Brigade Operations. He really needed help there on staff, so instead of getting my second command, I am back to the grindstone again.

I mean it was fine though. Gainfully employed, plus there is kind of a relief you get coming out of a command position where the weight of the world is lifted a bit. The weight of responsibility. I’m working on staff in operations for a couple months when one day my boss (an Army major) says to me, ”Ben, it’s just me and you up here!”, even though we had a few civilians and Soldiers, he didn’t feel confident in their skill sets. This is where I started to make a shift in my mental dynamics. To become Better for “him”. He needed me to be more and so I completely cut out drinking. I didn’t drink every day, but probably too much on the weekends that really had me off balance for the first part of the week. I needed to be better than that. This was in December 2012 and already had some thoughts about the upcoming year. Like eating more organic and starting to get back to a regular fitness regimen. Well January 2013 came and I started to do exactly that. After one week of it, my new First Sergeant came to my office to inform me that since I was no longer on a temporary profile for my arm (I had made it a permanent profile) that I was eligible for a PT test. I was like, hmmmm great, I just started a new routine and I have an Army Physical Fitness Test in two weeks. I passed. Bare minimum. The problem laid in the next phase of that morning…the weigh-in. Turns out that I was 20lbs over my max weight in the Army for my height and age. So when you are over, they tape you. It’s a fairly humiliating experience where you go into the First Sergeants (1SG) office and remove your shirt while another noncommissioned officer starts the measurements and 1SG writes them down. In my mind, I was……MORTIFIED. A captain in the Army. Gut hanging out, listening to measurements, and inside my mind I am just screaming out loud to absolutely no one/no thing and yet……I was.  All of the sudden in those brief seconds as this was all taking place, I felt this stillness, this calm wash over me, and I heard this Voice say, “Are you ready to listen to me now?”, and it was in that moment when I mentally said, “Yes”, that I surrendered to my SELF. My Higher-Self. Right after that YES I started to receive instructions. You need to become a vegetarian. I’m like, “Yes, absolutely, I’m all yours.”  To the 1SG, as I was walking out, I said, “Can I come and see you in one month for a weigh-in?” He told me I sure could, and in one month I was one pound under my max weight. Otherwise I would have been flagged for being overweight and not looking so good for me and the home team for future promotion (or EMPLOYMENT). So it went, I received instructions and then I implemented them.  Meditate. Pray. Recite positive affirmations Out Loud, not just read them silently to the space and void that is in your mind, but sending out a verbal vibrational frequency that is felt from the words you say and received back with the ears you hear with. 

A long and short message to this point in time takes me back to Dec 2012 when I was incorrectly trying to be “better” for someone else, my boss. The lesson to me was that I needed to become a better version of Me. The Shift had begun.

Spiral Staircases

It came to me this morning.  This beautiful image of a never-ending spiral staircase.  My energy continues up step by step.  I keep changing as I climb and am looking forward to these next steps as they quickly approach yet seemingly an eternity stretches as my foot moves.  There is no rush.

I have been climbing for a while.  We all have.  I went from an enlisted Marine, to Army officer (retired), to a Guest Services Topgolf associate, to……..Spider-Man Cowboy.  OR basically, whoever I want to be.  Everything I have envisioned and held onto became my reality and my reality now is that I reached a point where I can literally do whatever I want and be unconcerned about finances.  EXACTLY how I envisioned.  The question now is, “Who do I become?”.  I started a meetup for people who want to gather together and learn how to roller skate.  I feel like this is more a warmup, a precursor to a New Phase.

My inner guidance system, the Voice in my head, is telling me to write again.  To share and to most of all…Help.

My earliest years I remember helping were at the Jo-Ann Fabric’s store in sleepy Warren, Ohio.  I was not there by choice haha.  My mom, the seamstress and home economics teacher, would always bring me.  I put myself to work there by opening the front entrance door for all the ladies coming and going.  So from an early age I had good practice.

Apparently, I need to come back to Live in the Light and continue Living in the Light and write.  Previously I had been focused on posting about high vibrational living, life of an empath, The Shift etc etc.  I never wrote about, “How I got there”.  How I used the Law of Attraction to manifest.  How I realized that the Law of Attraction was a stepping stone to something much much bigger.  Infinitely bigger you might say.

And so we begin…a series of monthly entries that led me from Oklahoma, to Texas, to Kansas, to South Korea, and back to Texas…….Present Day.

Be safe my friends!

Infinite Shades of Blue

What a great privilege it has been this past year in opening up.  After this month, a new chapter begins in my life and new Doors to be Opened.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to close this moment out but I recently heard someone joking about the movie flop of 50 Shades of Grey.   I knew I wanted to discuss a little about Infinity and the Blue (Energy).  For the past couple of months I have had 616 on the brain and didn’t know why until now.  Instead of the 20th of the month, this blog ends on the 16th.  Who knows with these things.

In 1992, shortly after I joined the Marines, I got my first tattoo.  The other guys I went with were out of their mind gung-ho oorah and wanting everything from a big giant eagle, globe, and anchor, to an M16 toting Tasmanian Devil with USMC written underneath.  I just wasn’t feeling it.  It needed to mean something…More.  Something discrete.  There it was.  The yin-yang.  The size of a quarter placed on my left shoulder.  What I had no idea was that in doing that, I sent myself on a path of trying to achieve balance for the next 20 years.  Never quite getting there.  One step forward.  Three steps back.  In 2013, I finally achieved it.  Balance.  To make a long story shorter, after eight months another Shift happened.  It was like a drumbeat in my head.  No matter what, I couldn’t shake it.  The Infinity symbol.  I Knew I had to put it on me.  I just didn’t know why and why it had to be a particular shade of blue…a blending of blues…not quite teal, not quite aquamarine……Something Bluish.  I knew it was going to compliment the yin-yang on my left shoulder by going on my right.  I’m not much of a tattoo guy as I’m more partial to the Richie Cunningham side of life so I figured I would just go to the mall to get it done.  I went and they were packed, so I strolled over to my magical synchronistic store, Romancing the Stone (I think I mentioned in the Jane blog).  One of the regular girls that worked there came walking up right away with a big smile, greeted me, and was like, Guess what!?!, I got a new tattoo!  Pointed down to her foot…the infinity symbol with the word love in it.  I laughed and pulled the picture out of my pocket of the tattoo likeness I was looking to get for myself.  It was her turn to laugh.  I never mentioned anything about getting an infinity tattoo before.  The other girl working there came over as well and filled her in on the “synchronistic moment”.  She asked me where I was going to get it done and when I said here at the mall she adamantly shook her head No.  She has a lot of tats.  She told me to go to Shine On and ask for Frank.  I did.  He began to apply the blue and said he was adding his own blue touch to it…I was like…Perfect.  I felt as though the Universe was working through him for exactly what I needed.

It was five months ago when it really fully hit me.  The Resonance.  I wrote that several months ago about the seemingly magical effect on water with verbal affirmations, music, and written words.  It was five months ago that I had to visit a Soldier in the hospital who had been diagnosed with Lymphoma.  I only had a few minutes with him in that initial encounter but I saw something that gave me one of my biggest Aha Moments in a while.  He raised his left arm to grab something and I saw his tattoo.  Inside of the left bicep, one word.  HATE.  Fat letters, and the deepest black color you can imagine.  Fresh.  Brand new.  19 years old and did not make it through his 7th week of basic training.  This cancer apparently came very fast, virtually out of nowhere.  The Aha Moment rang through though.  Immediately.

Messages to Water.  Us.  Symbols and words placed on our water sac bodies.  The body’s response.  My struggle for balance for 20yrs until I finally Pushed Through.  The profound Infinite Balance in my Life.  The Messages I gave to the Physical Body and the Body responding in kind to those symbols.

The cancer ravaging a young man’s body after sending the message of hate coursing through him.  How else could the body respond to something so vile, so ugly…How else?

Why Blue.  We’ll make that a statement and not a question.  It’s funny.  I actually cannot be too specific on that.  Even though I have Opened Up here in this Safe Haven forum of words, there are some things that I need to keep close to the vest.  I can say that the Blue is a part of Me.  Surrounds me.  Works with and through me.  Infinitely.

Someday.  Someday when this mortal shell fades away…My Eyes Will Open Once Again.

Live in the Light, My Friends.

BenGi, a Guardian

Ebra Kidbara

To Serve

Recently I had to write this for my school that I am beginning in the near future.  The Voice in my head instructed me that this will be fitting for our second to last entry before moving on with our/my Life.

Reasons Why I Serve My Country

The reasons why I serve my country basically come down to what the five year old version of me wanted to be when he grew up.  I wanted to be a fireman.  The basis of the thought behind this was to save and protect people, and not to just ride around in a big red truck.  I grew up in a family where the last period in which anyone served was WWII.  My grandmother told me about how guilty my grandfather felt about not being able to follow suit with his brother-in-laws serving in the Army.  He had been disqualified due to having rheumatic fever as a child.  There was nothing that really struck me while growing up that the military was my calling.  I just knew that I had great uncles that served, and a grandfather who was unable to.

Years later, a target of opportunity arose virtually out of nowhere.  What turned from a prank being played on my step-father from one of his friends, became a pivotal change in my life.  Someone had signed my step-father up for the Marines.  A packet of information was delivered, he laughed it off, and I picked it up.  It’s hard to describe the feeling now that it has been 23 years, but something shifted inside me.  I wanted this.  It was the perfect fit for me.  However, life has a funny way of shaping our destiny and my former spouse figured that our life would be much better if I were not serving in the Marines.  I compromised and left service in pursuit of a bachelor’s degree in History.

Eventually the brief tributary stream I was on corrected its course back into the main river.  I was once again back in alignment with myself, but this time as an Army officer.  The Army did not turn out to be a good fit for my former spouse.  The death of my mother and the divorce from my wife in such a short time span did not work well with me either.  I found a new branch in the river as I continued my journey in the civilian world for a second time.  Once again I was drifting away from my true nature.  I am very fortunate that branches and tributaries can always find their way back to the true source of the flow.

I had the tremendous opportunity to instruct marksmanship to Marines serving in Security Forces.  I watched children in Afghanistan play with rocks for toys, having a blast, and thinking about the life of American children in comparison.  I played a minor role of a much larger picture with the Sons of Iraq.  There are so many things that I can look back on with a sense of pride and fulfillment.  However, after 23 years, I do not have a sense of things winding down.  I feel like I am just getting started.   I am just getting started.

Another shift occurred two and a half years ago in my life.  A profound shift in nurturing the development of mind, body, and spirit had commenced.  When you change the way you eat, then you will change the way you think.  You will change the way you feel.  My feelings for service were profoundly changed.  When I began to develop the best parts of myself I realized that my commitment to the Army intensified.  I began to see something else in me.  I became a better leader, and after six months of this shift, my senior leadership saw it as well.  I received a second command so far removed from the flag pole, and big Army oversight, that the level of responsibility to be the best, even more so increased.  Another by-product of becoming your best version is that everyone around you is affected by a positive work climate.  The shift in my life is still at work and propelling me forward.  There is no going back downward again.

Serving in the Army is not about the paycheck.  It is not for the action, thrills, or travel to exotic lands.  I serve my country to honor my family, and out of respect for the ones who have served in the past.  I serve the Army to create the most positive experience that Soldiers can possibly have, and point out the best parts of themselves while I’m doing it.  I serve the people of the United States because they deserve to have the best leaders in care of their sons and daughters.  Most of all though, I honor the five year old version of me, and I am a guardian of this nation for him.