Handy Hardware

Hi!  Been a while! Few weeks maybe? Not like I had any excuse not to write but well I suppose life pushed me another way.  I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a fan of breaking bones.  The feature photo is pretty much a testament to that.  No, no, no that was nine years ago.  However, recently I did take an unfortunate “intentional” spill while roller skating.  Intentional as in I had to “or else” type of a deal.  A little girl came literally out of nowhere!  I couldn’t even think, just drop, and as it had been about 30yrs since I last fell, I was not used to it and landed exactly how I shouldn’t have.  Brace my fall when I hit the ground and…ouch.  Small fracture on my right wrist with a cast for a few weeks to boot.  I remember in the moment thinking how bad it hurt but at the same time a sigh of relief that I didn’t ruin that little girl’s day.  I tried to act cool, shook it off, continued on, and on, and on until it really started throbbing.  Yes, I need to leave.  As I was unlacing, I knew right away that I had to go to the hospital.  Couldn’t move my hand.  I was like, Oh crap. So, a cast and a few weeks excusing myself from typing things.  I’ll be honest though; I was not happy about the cast.  I wanted to gnaw it off.  It even slightly depressed me. Me. ME?  I thought it was impossible, but it happened and after a week or so, I knew there was a lesson here for me. Take a step back, Ben, and then a few more steps back. Slow down.  I really did not have to be going as fast as I was when the little girl came out.  Not necessary.  I’m more about precision and finesse. I am ready to go back.

Nine years ago, I had to learn a lot of lessons.  The main thing I was learning was how to feel sorry for myself.  Lessons in pain management without prescription medication (not a fan). On the right-hand side of the photo above of my left, not so funny, humerus, is the first surgery.  A rod, two pins at the shoulder and elbow areas. I spent six months pretty much suffering in silence.  No clue that the double fracture was not even healing.  No union.  It wasn’t until my brigade surgeon asked me when my last x-ray was…I was like, oh man, ummm right after the surgery.  No follow-ups and I am generally too stubborn to go to the doctor as, “I got this”.  I didn’t.  A second surgery to install a plate with a bunch of screws, bone from my hip, and a heck of a scar.  I remember at the time that the doctor’s orders were to have the plate removed after 18 months.  By that time, I was stateside again, and when I went into orthopedics at Fort Sill, they were adamant that it was not coming out.  Period. I absolutely refused to believe that. No way.  It’s coming out.  I was having these infrequent but frequent enough for concern issues where my arm would feel like an electric shock for a split second and I my arm would just go numb.  I’m like, I need a second opinion, this is BS.  There is a screw or screws that’s rubbing against the wrong thing in my arm to make it go kablooey.  I managed to convince the doc for a second opinion where I traveled down south to Fort Sam Houston and saw a traumatologist. He was probably the most intelligent sounding doctor to this day that I have ever come across. He told me he could take it out, but he also very clearly articulated what was going on in my arm. Scar tissue. The scar tissue was rubbing the radial nerve at times. He said that with another surgery the scar tissue would more than likely be exacerbated annnnnnnnnnnd…I could potentially lose the use of my arm permanently.

As Stan Lee was fond of saying, “’nuff said”. I spent the rest of the day in kind of a numb daze. The rest of my life. Within six months after that second opinion, my Shift occurred. I began living intentionally. I had used my arm as a crutch, an excuse for so many things, and deep down inside I knew it was BS. This hardware was a part of me now.  I decided that if was a part of me then I am a part of it. It is Me. No more wallowing in self-pity. I’m a runner, a roller skater. My arms aid me in my momentum. My arms are my wings. In over six and a half years I have never had any more arm numbing experiences.

There is a profound sense of well-being when you Surrender. I am not giving up.  I Let Go and Let God.

Have a great week everyone!

A Crucial Key…For Me (Law of Attraction “Master Note”, not footnote)

Hi there!  I felt the need to highlight something that I glossed over / overlooked when I was writing my ReNewal (3) blog post.  I was on my run this morning and doing as I do, I either reflect on the past, look forward to the future, and also enjoy the moment I am in (particularly breathing, Love It).  So, I was reflecting on my 2013 “Awakening” / Shifting year and feeling the gratitude that encompasses it all.  But I remembered a Crucial Key that I just breezed right over in that aforementioned blog post.  There was something else in the background at that time and dawned on me this morning.  I wrote how I was comfortable with the idea of giving up the “dream job” being a general’s aide in order to assist my incoming boss who was panicking that I was leaving, and he would be left to fend alone.  There WAS something else.  My Soul Sister was deployed to Afghanistan beginning the summer of 2012.  It was strange being on the other end of sending letters and care packages as opposed to receiving them whilst downrange.  She was always in the forefront of my mind in wishing her well, praying for her safe return.  She was coming back at the end of July 2013 and was going to be on leave for quite a while.  She had this amazing week planned where we would meet up in Las Vegas and really paint the town.  There was one small problem with this plan though.  When I got the job as the general’s aide, I would NOT be going on the dream vacation / reunion with my sister.  I would be at a general’s beck and call.  I knew she would be incredibly disappointed and so would have I, even double so as I am on the more empathic side picking up her disappointment on top of my own.  Law of Attraction-wise…I know that deep deep down I would have wanted to see her again after being separated for more than a year rather than getting that dream job that I knew was mine.  In the blog, ReNewal (3), I got the word that I didn’t get the position, felt the relief wash over me and an eagerness to Get to Work for my new boss………and put in my leave papers to go to Las Vegas to be with my sister.  On the run this morning, I realized what my Heart truly wanted to do.  Be together again with my best friend and see her with my own eyes knowing that she was back home.  Safe and sound.  She truly was the Crucial Key to get me to my REAL dream job in San Antonio later that year.  Amazing!

Infinite Christmas

Six years ago, and a few months into my Shift in Awareness, I became absorbed by the notion of infinity.  I couldn’t shake it.  I got infinity paintings and pictures, plus a very cool wooden sculpture.  These things all led up to having the infinity symbol tattooed to my upper right shoulder.  Christmas that year found me enjoying the holidays with my Soul Sisters and they ensured I had the perfect BenGi Santa hat to celebrate with.  After I returned home, and was unpacking, Santa hat fell to the floor.  I picked it up and the first thing I saw was my infinity sculpture.  Really without thinking, I went over and placed the hat on the sculpture.  Infinite Christmas, I thought.  A constant reminder to enjoy and celebrate every single day.  This Gift of Life we have on a continuous basis.

Over the next year, the sisters came to visit me every now and then and remarked about how cool it was having Infinite Christmas around me every day.  It must have really struck an elegant note with them as they had a very special pillow made for me.  A Christmas present that following year.  Little messages of what they thought made up Me.  In the center of it, and in gold letters, Infinite Christmas.  It is probably one of the Greatest Christmas presents I ever received.

I guess my message is this:  Surround yourself with things that are a Reminder of this Gift of Life.  It doesn’t have to be an Infinite Christmas.  Listen to your Heart.  It will tell you how to honor your Life.

Because I live my life like a mirror, I reflect which I am most enveloped by.  I Choose to be surrounded by beautiful and amazing things to include a Christmas without end. 

Celebrate Life Eternally, My Friends 😊

Dreaming Reality

I know what you’re thinking.  This is a blog post about our reality being a dream 😊.  Well…yes, of course!  No, not really, but sometimes I wonder about the nature of our reality / consciousness etc…Here though I am just looking at one particular instance / experience in my life that for some reason I could never forget.  Something from my very early childhood and virtually one of my earliest memories.

I never met my biological father.  My mom met / dated him in college, he got her pregnant, and left her.  She was on track to becoming a schoolteacher but dropped out for a while to have me and spend time for my first couple of years before she went back to college.  She brought me with her to Ashland College (now Ashland University) in Ohio for her last year or so.  We lived in a duplex house (of sorts), but we had to share the bathroom with the people living on the other side of the house.  Weird, but I guess when you’re a financially struggling college student you must make do.

We slept on a pull-out couch bed in the living room and one night something woke me up.  I sat up and there was a monstrous looking man standing at the end of the bed and holding what looked like a cinder block over his head.  He was angry.  He wanted to crush me with the block but for some reason he couldn’t and that was making him even more angry.  Before I could say or do anything, there was a comforting voice, “Lay back down…”. My mom was just laying there sleeping undisturbed.  I felt safe.  Not scared at all.  I laid back down and went back to sleep…

My entire life up until circa post-Shift 2013, I had always attributed this “memory” as a dream I had as a child.  What a vivid dream to keep with me all these years.  It wasn’t until 2013 that it hit me.  It was never a dream.  I saw “something”, some manifested apparition, or whatever.  My grandmother had told me a story about a significant event that happened back in that college time with just me and my mom but for some reason I never really made any correlations between the “dream” I had and this particular event.  So, it wasn’t until many many years later, and years after my mom had passed as well back in 2005 that I had a conversation with my great aunt about it.  Because she was there…

Every now and then my grandma and her youngest sister (by 20yrs!) would make the 3hr drive to Ashland to visit my mom and I.  One Saturday morning, as my aunt recalls, my grandma wakes up with this “feeling” that she needed to come visit us.  A bit impromptu for sure as my aunt and her always made plans well in advance.  She called my aunt and asked her if she wouldn’t mind going on a trip to see Jeannie and Ben (this is in 1973 and we didn’t have a phone in our duplex for grandma to call us).  Of course she would, as she had no plans that day.

They arrived a little while later in the morning and saw my mom’s little yellow Vega out front.  Knocked on the door, no answer.  Pounded on the door and nothing.  My aunt walked across the front porch and put her eyes to the glass to look inside and saw me and my mom sleeping on the pull-out couch and shortly after that she smelled it.  Gas.  They broke the front window to rescue us.  I don’t remember any of that.  Zilch.  Seems like such an impactful event that I would have to remember it, right? (or I was really “out of it” from the gas…) Anyway…there was literally a fire department right across the street from our duplex and my aunt ran over there for help.  We had a kitten.  She didn’t make it.  Strange but I do remember my mom and I burying her in the backyard.  It was the gas stove that was the culprit.  Hose came out or cracked…?

After the Shift in 2013, I began seeing and experiencing the world much differently.  That time in my life came back to me and finally made sense.  A negative spirit or entity wanted to end my life and found a way to do so, however, a protective entity (angel?) was there to watch over me and even…send Help.

Now the notion of spirits and angelic beings is not for everyone.  Got it.  For me, and from my Perspective since 2013, it is a part of my Reality. 

Bless!

Unidentified

Hi!  Now that I have completed my previous journey in Canyon Lake, Texas (back in 2014), I thought I would venture back to the present, or rather be IN the present and write about the past.  Thank you so much for those that read and liked some of my “chapters” from that stream of consciousness while on retreat.  I can say that a lot can change in five years since I wrote that down.  My connection to God is, well, it’s awesome.  Many other things.  In this moment though, I can’t help but recalling events from my life that transpired many years ago.  Probably one of my least spoken about topics my whole life.  I remember even as a kid and then later as a little older teenager that it just kind of seemed taboo to talk about.  Like…who would believe you, right?

1981, I was 11 years old.  My best friend Jim, and I were playing outside, in Warren, Ohio, when one of us caught sight of something in the sky (can’t remember if it was him or me or both at the same time).  A silver disc shaped object shimmering up in the sky just sitting there and then *poof* it was gone in a flash.  We were blown away.  I mean the excitement was incredible, we know what we saw!  We ran to Jim’s house, burst into the kitchen, yelling frantically to his mom.  I do recall she took us seriously to the point where she called the Youngstown Air Base to see if she could get any information.  Nothing.  No reports in the local news.  Nada.  I remember the steam eventually leaving us and was just “one of those things” left in the past…….four years later…(the featured image looks pretty darn close to what we saw)

August 1985, the Perseid annual meteor shower.  15 years old now and brave enough to make ventures out my window on the second floor, shimmy up a narrow vertical incline to a fairly flat rooftop of my house.  For some reason Jim and I had decided to get front row seats to the meteor shower up on my roof.  It was very exciting to the point that we decided to make log entries into a notebook.  Time, direction (east to west, north to south), and type.  There were two distinctive types.  Falling stars and shooting stars.  We were up there for hours staring at the heavens just waiting for the next one, but then we discovered something else.  Anomalous objects.  So, this is 1985, not a whole lot up in our orbit like nowadays, but nevertheless there were satellites to be sure.  I remember we were very sure actually that what we were seeing were satellites, however, I believe it wasn’t long before we changed our point of view.  So, for example it would look like this bright (or barely glowing) tiny orb just making its way across the sky.  Then finally something happened.  One of the objects we were watching for a minute or so make its way a considerable distance across the sky…stopped.  I remember saying to Jim, “Did it stop?”, and he was like, “I think I still see it just sitting there.”  Which I was as well until it started moving again…in the direction it was originally coming from.  That is how it was for a few days.  We would not only track shooting and falling stars, but these other unknowns that would make random stops and course corrections.  Satellites do not do that!  We just kept that whole time to ourselves and I want to say that notebook pretty much made its way into some garbage heap after I left for the Marines in 1992.

The thing is though…I cannot remember the exact time I / We stopped going up there.  I have a memory of a dream from back then and all I recall is that it was a dream, but I want to say after 2013 it felt like it could be more.  I was on my roof staring out to the nighttime horizon with a massive cigar shaped object out there just sitting.  I was by myself, no Jim.  That’s it though.  Just standing and staring.  I don’t remember waking up from a dream.  I don’t know.  

The closest I came to seeing anything else semi-mind-blowing was sometime in 2015, San Antonio, Texas.  I was coming home from the store and looked up in the sky to my left, driver’s side, and saw some really bizarre looking chemtrail type clouds, drove a little more to the stop sign ahead and stopped, got a better look, and WTF???  Some sort of amorphous pinkish/bluish glowing object  (kind of like a diamond).  Instead of jumping out of my car and get pics and video (like I should have in the modern age!), I was like, jump in the car, make a right, another quick right and I am home in my apartment parking lot…within a minute!  It was Gone.  I was not too happy with myself at the moment, but then just let it go.  Oh well,  “One of those things.”

In this present moment, I must keep an open mind about the Life that is out there in the Universe.  I just can’t help but be amazed.  Look at just our beautiful blue and green gem we live on.  There are almost NINE MILLION individual types of lifeforms just on our planet alone.  Plants, insects…you get the idea.  That is a staggering number of lifeforms on just one tiny little blue ball floating in the vastness of space.  How could other lifeforms not exist…it takes my breath away in awe.

Canyon Lake Retreat – Captain Incoming Message and So Long (the conclusion)

The humor I mentioned much earlier…Well…It’s funny.  A year ago, in May (2013 as this retreat was in 2014), I was on the early morning run, somewhere between 0430-0500, running down Flower Mound Rd in Lawton, OK when all of the sudden the Voice in my head said, “STOP.”  I did.  “Turn around.”  I did.  “Look up.” I did and saw the vastness of space, and the stars and…what the…?  A star flashed brightly.  Perplexed I started to turn around, but I looked again, FLASH <again!>.  Incredible.  I was astonished but felt good, safe.  I was about to start running but had this thought.  I have some kind of star map app on my phone.  Held it up and gave the star that flashed a name.  Alderamin.  Never heard of it.  Anyway, this all doesn’t sound all that funny but a couple weeks later, about the same time of the morning, different road, the Voice said, “STOP, look up…”  I’m like, OK?  I see stars!  That’s it?  When all of the sudden over my headphones I hear, “CAPTAIN, INCOMING MESSAGE!” (Mr. Worf from Star Trek, incoming text/email sound byte).  And then what I felt/heard…Laughter.  Like someone was playing a cosmic prank on me!  Funny.  (There is a lot of them but just hitting a couple of the biggies)  A few months later at my friend/soul sister’s apartment just after the whole Beth Episode (maybe some other day) and was walking from her bathroom back to the living room (barefoot), thinking about Beth, a strange quirky smile and this indescribable FEELING and…SPLAT.  Walked right onto Sushi or Snoopy’s dog poo.  Heard the Laughter again.  There IS this playful sense of humor in the Universe which has fun with us all the time and when you are tuned in, you can laugh too 😀

So Long…

There is never goodbye.  Just till the next moment.  My Moment at Canyon Lake is moving into the next moment.  It was Quiet.  It was Fun.  I Am Here to Have Fun.  BUT.  I am also here to Help.  A kind word here and there.  Ernest advice.  An ear to Listen.  A Smile…Infinitely  

Canyon Lake Retreat – The Heart Grows Fonder

That thing that beats in your chest.  The thing that generates 5,000 times more electromagnetic energy than the brain.  The first organ to manifest into existence.  The Heart.  Sends more commands to the brain than vice versa.  We had it wrong.  The heart of the matter IS the Heart.  As humans, we are feeling creatures.  The feelings generate in the heart, communicated to the brain which translates into…thought.  Go figure.  The only problem has been that EGOic part which thinks it’s in control.  Thinks it knows what’s going on.  Has no clue and is very Very VERY small.  The part of the mind that makes a good run at Edging God Out.  I can’t take credit for that term/phrase.  Dr. Wayne Dyer.  Back in the day there were times I “Knew” (in the back of my mind) that the Heart was so much more.  I could feel in my chest growing and expanding with joy when I saw Carrie (ex-wife) walk down the aisle in Chautauqua, NY, and conversely the feeling in the same area after I found out she was with someone else and was leaving me.  Withering, dying, crying.  So.  We are these Feeling Beings and are able to do these things with that miraculous Heart.  It’s my belief that we are hard-wired to be Happy and Joyful, and the majority who do not express this do so out of choice.  Why?  Who knows.  Free Will.  The Experience.  Goes back to the aforementioned “being human” previously written about.  After The Shift it was like my Heart became a balloon.  Buoyant. Uplifted.  Most of all, Happy.